The Bizarre Love Triangle

I was just thinking what a bizarre week this was. There was a messy love triangle, the complex world of millennial dating terms such as “ghosting” and the reminder of one of my most traumatic Mondays in history. The very reason why I sort of don’t post “Monday, let’s do this!” quotes anymore.

But before going into that, I would like to announce the end of my couch sleeping days. After two long months, I have decided to be a normal person who owns a bed and who sleeps on it.

So, let’s do the messy love triangle first. G, B and J are famous celebrities and now the news of G and B’s breakup is a national buzz. The breakup was allegedly caused by G cheating on B with another young actress, J. Social media is burning, everyone has something to say about it. Both ladies have issued strong statements; well, mostly J saying she is a victim. There is less noise and hate thrown the guy who was accused of cheating. Not that I was looking for them anywhere. But the guy has a reputation. A former colleague who is related to another ex-girlfriend of G pretty much said he is a serial cheater. When asked about their break up, B said the guy just stopped talking to her so she didn’t know that they’ve actually broken up. In the present world of dating, this breakup is called ghosting.

It seems to me that the complexity of dating these days has exponentially increased with the world being more connected than ever. Before the invention of the internet, people could only communicate through letters, telegrams or the telephone a.k.a. landline. When relationships don’t work out, you just avoid each other. With social media nowadays, you have all the tools to torture yourself with. There’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snap Chat, and possibly many other means to stalk your ex. Moving on with a clean break simply isn’t that easy anymore. It has to be a deliberate choice where you either unfriend or block someone so you could get your peace.

No wonder more and more people are getting sick. It’s not just physically, but mentally as well. Depression is a huge topic in the world today because more and more people are being diagnosed with it. In an article published on February 26, 2019 on CNN Philippines, it is said that as of 2015, the rate of suicide has increased by 1.9 for females and 5.8 for males. The stigma that we as Filipinos still have against mental health issues also does not help us in addressing the matter with empathy and understanding. We also need to see this as a problem beyond religion. I am saying this because our culture plays a large part into how we see depression and other mental health issues. According to the same article, our indirectness as a culture also prevents us from expressing our need for help, expecting other people to read between the lines. This really sucks, but all is not lost. Our society’s awareness of depression and suicide is getting better and more people have now access to the help and care that they need.

Going back to the love triangle, I would like to say love is dead. Even more so now that Liam and Miley have ended their very short marriage. But, I would be a hypocrite to do that. I don’t think love is dead. I would however say, the power of legal marriage is dying. Being unmarried all my life, I often ponder on my views on this. My 29-year old self definitely thought it a must. I’ve sang at more than enough weddings to know what a big deal this is for us as Filipinos. Never mind what a big deal weddings are all over the world. I don’t think there isn’t any country that didn’t see weddings as cause for huge celebrations. People sometimes spend money as if this was the ultimate goal of their lives.

Ten years later, how my views have changed! I think somewhere in between bad decisions related to men and trying to move on, a person is forced to look inside oneself and get to know who you are. Also, I read a somewhat cynical definition of marriage as being a “contract between two strangers who agree to live together and procreate”. I do not remember where but I thought, how true. We often hear how very different marriage is from being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. In a marriage, you truly get to know who you married.

Just to be clear, I am not against marriage. I am still open to it…sometimes. But, I also love the life I have now. I love the freedom, the time I get to spend on things that I want to do. I am mostly relieved that I have no one relying on me to live. I have the ability to kill succulents which require less care, what more human babies. So yes, I am open to marriage. I am against big weddings and lavish traditions that go with it. Maybe I will elope when the time comes. There will be no spending on wedding invitations, professional photos and videos, no expensive catering, and most of all, no expensive wedding gown that will only be worn once. Yup, I’m really eloping from the sound of it. Family and friends, forgive me. Or roll your eyes when I do end up with a traditional catholic wedding with matching kissing doves that fly off into the sunset. Or the ceiling.

Now let’s all calm down and go back to the reality of my 100% singleness. I suspect marriage will come as a miracle considering I am not even going out to date. I don’t get asked out and I am also not into Tinder or any of those dating apps. At least not anymore. I’m scared I might end up swiping right on a serial killer. LOL. Seriously, I just don’t feel like it. I am happy and quite content with my life now. Maybe also a little scared to let a man mess up my life again. Go figure.

To us women, especially those who are wishing and storming the high heavens with prayers to send them The One, be patient. He is out there, possibly also afraid he might get murdered on Tinder. See, something in common already. But we know there’s more to it, so let me share the measuring stick. I found this at a time I was trying to figure out a man and Sherry Argov shook me back to earth: “That’s the big picture. Your happiness. And health. You should never care what a man thinks of you until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy. If he isn’t trying to make you happy, then send him back from “whence” he came because winning him over will have no benefit. At the end of the day, happiness, joy…and yes…your emotional stability…those comprise the only measuring stick you really need to have.” Let us thank Sherry for this is a very powerful reminder that we should be the heroine in our lives. Always. Self-preservation, dignity and self love can never do you wrong.

Phew. All that because of a bizarre love triangle.

Let us move on to the mystery of one traumatic Monday. August 7, 2017 started out just like any other Mondays – mocked and dreaded with so many quotes written about it. I think I posted a cute Heather Stillufsen illustration about “Coffee and Monday. Let’s do this.”

When I got to the office, I had a meeting with my boss, another colleague and the HR Director. I didn’t think much of it. The meeting came and I was informed that my position is being eliminated and I had 3 months before I either find a new role within the organization or leave.

At that time, I had already started considering leaving the company to take a 1-year hiatus and just do nothing and everything. I was deep in research to set up a small business. When the news came, I thought maybe my decision was being expedited. However, my gut told me I wasn’t ready and my financial targets haven’t been met yet. It’s not a good time to leave. I was shocked, as you probably would be if you hear you are being rejected. It wasn’t my first time to hear the same kind of news, so I was a good sport about it. Work is replaceable. I do not advocate “work is a rubber ball” for nothing. I strongly believe it.

My first retrenchment happened when Company M outsourced to Company H. I moved to Company H but only lasted 8 months because Company R called and offered me a career maker. I accepted and the rest is history. It was 5 years later in Company R when I got retrenched again but I got a new role after 3 days so I stayed. I am about to celebrate 7 years with the same company.

This ends the story of the bizarre love triangle and the traumatic Monday. For both career and entering relationships, we require acceptance of certain risks. The bizarre love triangle triggered my thoughts on marriage and why I am glad I am single. The traumatic Monday reminded me of how something we are afraid to lose can be replaced with something better. Both made me think about our innate fear of rejection as humans. Rejection in itself is not all bad, it’s the implication that we are not good enough that messes with our heads. Rejection can be quite a blessing! Imagine if I had ended up with the last guy, The Friend? The jerk who I would like to now refer to as The Non-Entity? Ewwww!!!! His rejection was the best I ever had!

What we do in the face of rejection is what makes the difference. At the end of the day, it’s our love for ourselves that should always prevail. To G, B and J, good luck and I hope you all move on soon. We all deserve better news headlines next week.

Newsletter 3 – Week of August 5

The Ball

LoyKThe incessant rain the past few days was about to drive me crazy. Three days cooped up in my parents’ home. Three days of outdoor plans down the drain. Thank God, the sun is finally out today. Fingers crossed, it will be the same beautiful day tomorrow before we ring in 2019.

I love the last few days of every year. There’s always a certain excitement where people seem to be rushing everywhere. Like that meme said, “Those days after Christmas, where you seem to not know what day it is and time does not exist”. I feel like this is a free pass where you can do whatever you want. You can make up for wasted time or opportunities that you should have done during the year. I saw some friends go on a trip. Some to countless reunions and dinners and lunches. I was going to learn how to drive. This has been a goal of my life for so many years now. I’ve gone through three student license renewals, and I’m still none the wiser. Maybe next year will be different.

Wait. I know next year will be different.

But before I step into the new year, I would like to reflect on what 2018 has been for me. I feel like my life has been in limbo and I never really accomplished much. I know it’s not a great thing to say, and in Miss Universe 2018’s words, “I should look for the beauty in it…and be grateful.”

So here’s me and my silver linings for 2018.

I suffered through several health-related setbacks, but here I am and I got through them all. I remember starting 2018 with so much motivation to continue with the weight loss that I started in 2017. Unfortunately, my neck pain that I thought was already cured came back even worse in January. It went on until July. July was also the time I had to go through my neck pain, flu and gastroenteritis all at the same time. Talk about the trifecta from hell. What made the neck pain go away? Only the 90K pesos treatment prescribed from my Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome (TMJ) diagnosis. Yes, please go look it up. The pain literally disappeared after that. Magic. One would think this was all psychosomatic. It has not gone back since, but my weight has. Time to take control of my health and body back in 2019.

On my first international trip this year, I got to cross off a bucket-list experience. I went to Pyeongchang, South Korea to watch the closing ceremony of the 2018 Winter Olympics. I won’t say it was also part of the bucket list to sit in an open arena in -3C weather for 3 hours. But I will not trade my frozen bum experience for anything. It was simply amazing. That was definitely one way to light my fire.

Exploring new countries was definitely a highlight for me this year. In April, I visited Dubai for the first time. It was almost summer, but the weather was still pleasant and not too hot. United Arab Emirates was my first middle eastern country to explore and to sum it all up, it was extraordinary. This is where they take the “go big or go home” challenge really seriously. The best part was that I got to visit my cousin who lives in Dubai. 

Indonesia and Thailand were the other two new countries for me.  A lot similar in their ways and culture; I felt like I should have explored more. I needed more time. Especially in Bali. We spent only three days in Bali, exploring temples mostly and less of nature and beaches. I enjoyed the company but I know I was not able to make the most of it. My Bali trip probably represented my entire well-being this year: lacking sleep and perpetually exhausted. 

Thailand stood a better chance. First we went to Bangkok where I drowned myself in Tom Yum Goong and Thai milk tea. The food was just awesome. The highlight really was flying to Chiang Mai from Bangkok for the Yee Ping and Loy Krathong Festival. It was a spiritual experience to see the sky lit up with hundreds of lanterns. 

I think I really should write about my travels. A few sentences don’t do them justice. What do you think?

Gaining two new nieces are never merely silver linings. They are both real and beautiful sunshine and they have brought me the same joy as Max and Ella. In the process, I also gained a new sister when my brother tied the knot in September.

Okay, I admit. It does not seem so bad. Everything above are the things I value most – family, friends, travel, health. Then why do I feel like it is? There seemed to be a consistent drone of unhappiness that followed me around.

That drone of unhappiness is probably just The Voice reminding me that I should be listening to it and taking my life’s direction towards something new. My work needs to take a new direction. It is something I cannot ignore.

If there is one thing I am most proud of accomplishing this year, I think it would be finding strength and dignity in self-preservation. No more short-changing myself. If I would make this about the five balls we juggle in life, then I would probably want to drop the one and only ball that can bounce back. 

“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls…are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”― James Patterson, Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas

Thank you for being an eye-opener, 2018. 

CG


The Voice

When I was in college, I joined a prestigious choral group that gave me an opportunity to travel around the world. I was 19 years old when I went on my first international tour and took a leave of absence from the university for one semester. We were sponsored by Filipino communities in the United States and by local families in Europe. This meant staying with our hosts and we were part of their families for the short period that we were in their homes. A lot of the families I stayed with in the US were second generation immigrants. Their parents went to America in the hopes of  building better lives.

When I got back home, I asked my mom if she ever thought of migrating to the US when we were young. Young meant the 80’s when the American Dream was selling like hotcakes. She said, “No. Only rich people did that.”

That conversation left me with so much regret at the thought that we missed out on a big opportunity. I could have been an American citizen now. I could be holding one of the most powerful passports in the world and did not have to apply for a visa every time I wanted to travel to Europe. The conversation happened almost two decades ago. Things have certainly changed and I myself did not pursue the American dream. A lot of my friends have moved to different parts of the world and here I am still very much grounded in the Philippines. I still think about the possibility of moving, but with travel now so much easier, I just see other places as temporary homes. I go and immerse and I come back to my beloved, comfortable, familiar homeland, the Philippines.

I sometimes ask myself if I’m crazy to not have this drive to go abroad and find a new life. But then, what is crazy about living in the land where you were born and raised? What is crazy about not wanting to be too far away from family? What is it about the comfortable and familiar that makes us want to stay? Maybe it is precisely because it is what it is. Comfortable and familiar means it is less scary. After all, fear always accompanies the unknown.

About two years ago, I had a rather horrible experience at work. It was a situation where I feel I never stood a chance of getting accepted no matter what I did. Still, I weathered it out, but it made me sit down and start thinking about a hiatus. I worked out a list of my current financial obligations and what cost it would take to be free for a year. That list was originally on paper, but it eventually became a working spreadsheet. The situation at work eased up a bit for a few months, but it turned into boredom. This was when I had time to google “prawns vs shrimps” – a phrase my friends now use when they want to say they are bored. LOL. Eased up, however, did not mean happiness nor peace. I still did not stand a chance, but I guess I just accepted that I have to live in misery until one of us gives up and leaves.

The universe decided to humor me. One fine day in August, I was told I was losing my job in three months. I was prepared to go through the different stages of grief, but that did not really pan out since I got a new post two days later. I still had the option to leave and make my hiatus dream come true, but I knew I was not ready financially. I took the job and finally, all of us can stay and at the same time be away from each other.

It’s been a year since I took that new job. The people surrounding me have been great and I could not be more grateful. But…the seed that was planted two years ago took root and it was only a few months ago that I realized it has grown.

I am not surprised. I have always been curious about life outside the corporate world. I have friends who are freelance musicians, writers, make up artists and business owners. They are all living great lives. I have always wondered what it would be like to try and be part of that non-corporate world. It’s all rose-colored glasses until I think about the income stability that my current job provides.

My current job provides me a steady source of income. It is an enabler to so many things I currently enjoy in my life, including getting to travel often. This job creates for me a predictable day to day life and suggests there is an upward career path for me if I just play my cards right. I learn a lot; not just about the world we live in but also about myself and the people that I get to interact with everyday. Sounds to me like a dream job. The thing is, it is probably someone else’s dream job now. I have known myself to be highly driven and always had eyes on that vertical career path.

One day, I caught myself looking elsewhere. At first, I thought I was just tired. It will pass. In the meantime, let me take on a hobby other than going to the gym and singing. What else do I like doing? Oh, I like looking at jewellery and coloured gemstones. Art deco jewellery particularly fascinates me. And so the reading and the research began. The more I learned, the more glued I became. I started learning the business side of it and I eventually opened my own Instagram jewellery blog. A little voice started telling me this is what I should be doing.

At first, the thought shocked me. Am I crazy? This is just nuts to be thinking about myself as a business woman. Maybe I am just burned out and really need a break. Yup, ignore the voice.

How timely is it that one of my friends has just left the corporate world to start her own yoga studio? As I follow her amazing journey, that little voice became louder too. It became so persistent I had to stop and listen. The voice said, “Why not? Remember when you were 8 years old and had this little candy store by your bedroom window? Remember how you felt when someone actually bought a candy and you receive their coin and put it in a little coin bowl?” Coincidentally, I also sang at radio station contests about the same age, so I also earned money on the side for these gigs. It made me laugh to think that after a long and winding road, I would end up the adult version of that little girl in retail and singing at events. I laughed, but my heart was bursting with the possibility.

I think I have finally befriended that little voice. When I did, I told my good friend about it and she laughed and introduced me to a book called “When To Jump”. She said, “You are describing exactly what other “jumpers” have experienced in their journey towards a life of their dreams.”

The next day, off to the bookstore I went. There was one copy left, tucked between other books, it could easily be missed. This one book was meant for me. I just started reading it, but it has helped me a lot to recognize that what I feel and want to do is not that crazy. A lot of other people have done it and made it. If they can, I probably can too.

I will end this post with a quote from Jeff Arch’s story in the book and so far my favorite. Jeff Arch went from being an English teacher and Karate school owner to being nominated for an Oscar in 1994 for writing “Sleepless in Seattle.”

“…when you know how to listen and know when your heart is really speaking and know when your heart is telling you that the ground you’re standing on just isn’t enough – then the only thing left to do is jump.”

💙

CH